The very first step towards unlearning sexist behaviour is to realise that sexism isn’t a binary switch. People don’t neatly fall into “sexist” or “feminist” buckets. Most of us, even with the best of intentions, operate in a grey area.
Take the instance of respect for parents. Like any other relationship, a healthy parent–child relationship is built through mutual respect. However, do we respect fathers and mothers in the same manner?
Culturally, children, especially young men, are taught to respect their fathers from a lens of authority. Fathers are to be feared. Their words are commands. You obey them. You respect their intelligence, their strength, their position.
On the other hand, mothers are taught to be respected from a lens of care and protectiveness. You must protect your mother from harm. They are sounding boards, a source of warmth and love, and you must respect their emotions.
In and of itself, the two behaviours are not “wrong”. But they still create gender-based stereotypes. Fathers are bereft of soft love and care, while mothers lose their authority and control in the household. Men, who would most likely grow up to be husbands, learn to expect the same “respect” for authority from their family – wives and children – as they gave to their fathers. The trade-off being that they learn to suppress their emotions and might not enjoy the softer aspects of being a parent. You’re playing bad cop, and that leaves little room for vulnerability.
Is giving respect to your parents wrong? No.
But is this difference in the type of respect sexist? Yes.
And here’s your first major takeaway: sexism isn’t always hostile. Sometimes, it’s wrapped in politeness, chivalry or even love. It can show up in our best intentions.
The second takeaway: show yourself some kindness. Unlearning sexist behaviour isn’t about self-loathing or shame. It’s about growth. If you mess up – and you will – it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Allow yourself the room to make mistakes as long as you have the intent of correcting them.
Unlearning sexism isn’t about feeling guilty or ashamed – it’s about growth. The process can be challenging, but it will make your relationships, friendships, family and work life, and your own self-worth much, much better.
Because no one was born sexist, neither is anyone born a feminist. The words exist because we were born in a biased world. And you are not immune to the stimuli. So, we are bound to (wrongfully but, often, subconsciously) internalise certain biases as facts.
What matters now is whether we’re willing to examine them.
Which brings us to the next step.
How do I know whether I am being sexist?
It’s an ongoing process. There isn’t a list of behaviours and situations that one can just look up and cross-check. There are definitely circumstances where there is no grey area. But we will assume by now you have figured those out, and the reason to continue reading this is not to find loopholes but actually invest energy in growth.
With that in mind, spotting sexism is less about isolated events and more about your intent and approach. You can begin strong by asking yourself three simple questions:
Would I react differently if this person were of another gender?
Would I be comfortable if the person treated me the same way?
Am I behaving as per societal expectations or my own genuine desires?
A big part of awareness is introspection. When you face yourself with these questions and answer honestly, you’ll be able to overcome a lot of subconscious sexism that’s cultivated in us by the outside world.
Here are some ways in which to practise awareness.
Questioning the small stuff
Day-to-day sexism doesn’t come wrapped in sexual assault or political disenfranchisement. It arrives as subtle behaviours that seem harmless, helpful, even. From complimenting a female colleague on her appearance, to assuming a man would know how to drive for sure – the “small” stuff can escape without notice.
Agreed, you can’t scrutinise each and every action of your life, but when you listen to other women, or men, you will learn of instances where they felt they were not treated fairly. All you need to do is be aware and notice these small conversations and question yourself when you might be in a similar situation.
Questioning your assumptions
Do you hold beliefs like “women are more emotional” or “men are funnier”? Where do these beliefs come from? Are they really based on your own experience or are they just things you read, heard, saw and somehow imbibed in your mind to be true? What is the basis of these assumptions? Asking yourself this question will help you discover a deeper sense of your own self, along with a clearer understanding of others around you.
Understanding context and patterns
Sexism isn’t just a single activity or a bunch of isolated incidents. It’s often a result of structured reward systems driven by patriarchy that benefit men by default. From simple-seeming terms like “chairman” or “men at work” to deep-rooted male-as-default concepts like the ideal room temperature or car-safety guidelines, sexism is not always a choice. Sometimes, we end up participating in daily sexism because that’s just how the world was built.
To build awareness, you must understand context and patterns, and that means paying attention and noticing if the numbers add up. Just why aren’t there enough female taxi drivers? Why is it that the count of victims in newspapers always reads like this: “Eighty women and children among 100 who died” – who are the other twenty men, right? Why are they being erased?
When you hit the gym for the first time, the weights look daunting. A week into lifting, and your body begins to protest, muscles ache, bones hurt and you move like a rickety remnant of an ancient era, unable to even drink water properly. But over time, the same weights become friends, and your body automatically adjusts to the new reality of muscle ache, even craving it.
Similarly, building awareness isn’t a one-time event. The world around us is a constantly and rapidly evolving entity, and to keep up with all that’s right and all that’s wrong can take a lot of energy. But when you make it a practice, slowly, it becomes a lifestyle choice, like working out. Also, it is a privilege to be able to work out.
Not everyone has the opportunity to actively grow in life. Most people spend years fighting injustices. But some of us have the privilege to be born in a world that’s, in some ways, skewed in our favour. And the next step in unlearning sexist behaviour is to recognise that privilege.
Excerpted with permission from Putting the Toilet Seat Down: A Man’s Guide to Feminism, Harshveer Jain, Penguin India.
